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I was 17.

I was 17. So I feel like a lot of people would judge me. We used protection but it didnt work. I found out around christmas time, and at first i was really scared, I think the anxiety got to me. My boyfriend at the time, who's been around through that, the aftermath, and everything in between, was absolutely petrified. We had a trip coming up. One day I felt this awful pain in my body, it was two day's before the trip, I couldnt stop the feeling and this sense that something was wrong. I panicked and ran to the bathroom, i was maybe 8 or 10 weeks at the time? When i went to the bathroom there was blood. I asked him to come over because i didnt know what else to do but i didnt want to go through it alone. He rushed over and i balled my eyes out for hours as i went through losing my pregnancy. I honestly dont remember much except for the blood and begging the world to stop for a minute that I wasn't ready to let go. The nine months mark past in august, and we're back to december, right around the time we found out. I still find myself sometimes holding my stomach and then i start to cry. The day i miscarried is only a few weeks away and I dont even remember what day it was i was too panicked to even know what day it was. I went on my trip as i was still bleeding. I didnt tell anyone except for a close friend of me and my boyfriend's. Ive talked to very few people about it. My parents don't know to this day. Now that I'm an adult, I wanted to talk to my dad about it. A few months after losing my pregnancy i lost my uncle. I wanted him more than anyone to hold my baby and to meet at least one of my kids. Losing that chance along with two very important moments in my life has made the last year almost unbearable. I lost my ability to contact my therapist since covid, and i pushed a lot of people away in my grief. I hardly know who i am when i look in the mirror and i feel like a failure. My boyfriend dealt with the loss in a super analytical way. I wasnt very far along and he rationalizes that no one was hurt and its worth moving on from. We dont talk about it anymore because im scared to bring it up with really anyone. I broke down at work the other day and i didnt know what to do so i confided in one or two coworkers and my boss. They sympathized and i got through my shift and went home, but im crying nearly everyday at this point. I imagine what their hair would look like, their personality, their voice. The fact I'd be holding them right now. When i found out it didnt matter that i was the age i was. I was ready to get my stuff together and make it work. And after the initial shock my boyfriend seemed ready too even though we were both terrified. I blocked out a lot from the consecutive weeks that followed i remember my boyfriend holding me as i collapsed into tears. Right now i feel so full of emotions but so void too. I wish all the time the baby had made it, and i feel somehow its my fault they didn't. I've had a few pregnancy scares since then even with the use of protection, and apart of me wants to try again eventually. I get really bad "baby fever" then it crashes when i think of them. Sorry for taking up so much space and time. 

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