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“when you lose your faith”

Nov 3, 2018 I was always the girl who played with dolls when I was a kid, not barbies, not Polly pockets, just baby dolls. My mom would make me laugh telling me stories back when I used too hook up my baby dolls up to the wall “pretending” they were in surgery, and I was the doctor. My system was so real when I was young my mom swore when I was older I’d be a doctor. I laughed because I always believed it, till I was about 13 years old and my biggest dream in this world was to be a mother. I love people I always wanted to help them but what I wanted most, was to be a mother of a big family. I day dreamed it like a woman dreams about her wedding day. I learned so much from my mother, how to love, how to be compassionate, how to cook and everything a woman needs too know in her life. I was ready set go with it… I didn’t dream of a fancy house or car or a perfect “husband” I dreamed to raise my own children. I dreamed to live my mother’s legacy and teach my children everything they need to know and most important show them the love they deserve that any child deserves. Throughout my teen years and early 20s I wanted it so bad I’d do anything for it. Any man who passed my way I always thought you could give me what I want what I need most, but being young I never wanted to do it that way, it would be selfish and careless, so I waited… I waited for the perfect moment, I found it unexpectedly with a man I worked with for a few months I had no idea he was even into me until he texted me one night after work… and I went with it. I followed my heart. At this point in my life I wanted my own money, I wanted a house of my own, I wanted to pull my own and I worked hard for it, little did I know there was so much in store for me, one night I met with him, it was like a dream I never asked for. we talked all night with some whiskey, we laughed and vented about life, we watched movies he held me tight all night he made me feel like a woman. We ordered food out and they delivered it to us and we sat in bed and ate and talked and talked, we talked about how our job is crazy, and our goals and dreams. That night was a fairy tale, a few weeks later I wasn’t feeling myself, so I took the “pregnancy test” that every woman fears about. It showed positive, I think I looked at that test about 5 times before it was real. I couldn’t talk or breathe, I called my mom right away and told her, she calmed me down and the next day I felt sooooooo amazing, I felt like oh my god, I’m actually pregnant, I’m going to be a mommy! Nothing else mattered, the moment I knew that baby was there, I thought about their future, supporting him/her and how happy I was to see my beautiful baby. I talked every night to that baby, I shopped for them and made it my life’s biggest goal. I wanted to give them the life they deserve I thought about how curly their hair would be and the color of their eyes and if they would have mommy’s goofy personality or daddy’s “go get it personality” I dreamed it all. I thanked god every night for my amazing gift from him. The man I was with swore we would never be a broken family, he loved me the best he could and he cared for our child even more. We picked out names, we decided everything we were going to do, and how to raise our baby, well…. sometimes things don’t go as planned. We faded further and further apart but we knew we still had a child coming… Little did I know a few months down the road I’d hear the worst news of my life. “there is no more heartbeat. (only a mother can relate to this pain seeing your child’s heart beat for you) than too say it’s over. Your world comes falling down, you no longer know what it is you have to live for, after all, he/she was yours. The pain is so intense it takes a hold of all your organs. People feel sorry at first, that slowly turns into, well at least you didn’t know your child, or get over it or you can have another. The dreaded words a mother never wants to hear. People think you will eventually get over it but you simply don’t mama. That was your baby. That was your future and a part of you. Don’t ever be ashamed. It doesn’t matter if you find out the gender later on, or after, or in a blood test or never do, doesn’t matter how far along you were. I lost my faith the day I heard the heart stopped beating. I was going to name my daughter Faith Marie, and my son Jonathan Patrick. I lost all faith and hope for my life and even the thought of having another child and trying again made me sick. You get so mad at your body for failing you, and you start asking god why me, you look at other mothers and feel a huge tug and jealousy. Some believe in god and some don’t but my biggest and strongest strength was god, he showed me why I wasn’t ready or why it didn’t happen along the way, he showed me I can try again if I have faith, he showed me how to love again and the true meaning of life through the darkest moments. One day if it’s in a a year if it’s a few years or if it’s when I’m 90 I’ll walk through the gates of heaven and see that child I desperately needed and missed my whole life. He/she will be there waiting to tell you how proud they are of you and that you lived for them. The biggest gift anyone could give. I can’t wait for that, but I also can’t wait to tell my future children about their sibling, about my experience, and teach them even more than I would have known before. So, mama bear it doesn’t get better it just gets a little easier, I still cry about it, and talk about it almost 2 years later and that’s what you need to do, don’t be ashamed, don’t hide something so real, and don’t be ashamed of your own grieving process. This needs to be talked about more, not just a sad story, it needs to be researched more and taken care of more. A mother’s heart is stronger than anything on this planet. So why do we hide it so much? The father of my beautiful angel texted me almost 2 years after, I was so upset at first because I didn’t think he understood, he wasn’t there for the pain, he didn’t hold my hand through it all, but I didn’t realize a father can grieve too, he texted me and said “I need to talk to you about it” and how much it hurt him and still does because he saw the heartbeat too, Only god knows why and a mother’s heart. But if I didn’t lose faith that day, I wouldn’t have gained my faith back or knew what faith meant. My child’s precious short life will always be bigger to me than what outsiders see, but now I can relate to so many other mothers who grieve their children, and help them the best that I know how. My child’s life wasn’t a death but a life and legacy I need to live on forever, don’t be silent, speak up! Tell me your story…..

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