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It was the day before my Best Friend's Baby shower...

It was the day before my Best Friend's Baby shower... On September 20, 2019 I went to the doctor for my 10 week examine. I felt fine. The night before i was looking for cribs and I had told my family just days before this appointment. I picked out names...On the day of this appointment I was 10 weeks and 3 days. I went in for my ultrasound and I immediately noticed the difficulty finding the heartbeat. They asked several questions about my wellbeing then informed me they would be doing a transvaginal exam and getting my doctor for this. While she went to get the doctor I was in tears and begging for my baby's heart to beat. The ultrasound tech reentered the room with the doctor and began the transvaginal exam. At this point I could see my baby lifelessly in my womb... I remember the doctor's face preparing to say "I'm so sorry" and I fell apart. I heard the two discussing measurements and i asked questions to learn my baby had been gone for almost 2 weeks and I never felt a thing. My baby measured at 8.6...8 weeks and 6 days. I was told i had an incomplete miscarriage and there were several ways to address it. I chose to take the medication to complete the miscarriage. This took an extreme emotional toll because this was the day before my best friend's baby shower that I was planning and hosting. I went on with the baby shower and never mentioning my pain to my best friend but, I did make other friends aware in case i needed support. I went home that night after the baby shower and took the medication as prescribed 2 days later I was in my bathroom screaming and crying because it had officially come to an end. I was numb, anxious, depressed, guilty, angry and inconsolable. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression with anxiety. I still struggle everyday. I have had anxiety attacks that last for hours and gotten really depressed where I couldn't leave my bed for days. I'm much better now but, for the duration of those 9 months a short time afterwards was continuously difficult. I never wanted a child before I got used to the idea of that one. Now I'm just scared it will happen again. I have chosen to do positive things on my due date I had a "birthday dinner" and released balloons. During the month I was due I also gave a basket of necessities to a mom who gave birth that month. On the anniversary of the day I found out I miscarried i got a tattoo to honor my love. It's hard but, it gets easier. You'll never forget the pain but, I now truly treasure the miracle of the birth of a child. 

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