I was 9 weeks

I was 9 weeks when I found out by an ultrasound tech that I didn't have a heart beat and that I would need a D&C. The ultrasound tech wasn't supposed to say anything and was supposed to let my OB say something to me. I had to go back to my OB office still fill out the paperwork while holding in my tears. This would have been my husband's and I first baby. We recently just got married and found out the exciting news tracking the growth and then find out the devastating news that everything you thought you were experiencing was a lie. I went into a really bad depressive state not wanting to be on this earth. Wanting to feel anything but the pain, numbness and sadness. The pain emotionally, physically and mentally is a pain that is indescribable. October 17th 2020 my baby would have been born. I still think of the trauma, the what ifs. I still grieve and I don't know if it's grieving to much. I can't even drive past the hospital where everything took place. I can't step foot into my OBs office. I changed OBs. I look up to the sky hoping to see something. My faith suffers and I'm doing my best. The old me is gone. I don't like the new me. It's not me. I just don't know what to do. I feel lost in this situation and I don't know when it'll get any better.