The first time I found out I was pregnant was March 1st 2020.

The first time I found out I was pregnant was March 1st 2020. I waited to see if I missed my period and that morning I went to the local dollar general before everyone woke up and I got a test. I was on the phone with my best friend the whole time. I got back home and took the test and still on the phone with my best friend and I just remember it being so instant to positive I was so elated. Every happy bone in my body was shaking. My best friend didn’t believe me and made me take a pic and send it to her and she wanted me to go tell my bf immediately and he was asleep still and so I went up stairs and woke him up and gave him the test and he of course asked what it was and he seemed shocked at first but when he got up out the bed he literally talked to his penis and said yeahhhhh old boy were still working. I was so happy. I immediately made onesies for my parents and recorded it and told my family and his family. Everyone was so excited. Me, my bf, and my mom went to my first ultrasound and that’s when it started. Initially I was too early to see even though they were estimating 6 weeks at least. So I did blood work and my hcg levels were high and good. Second ultra sound there was only a second, 2 more ultra sounds later and I was given the option of a D&C Or waiting. I waited and on 4/14 it happened... the worst pain ever. I shut down. My bf has to break into my house to check on me. Everyone blew my phone up I ignored all of it. Everything hurt. My head, my body, my heart, EVERYTHING.... when I found out in June I was pregnant yet again i thought it was going to be good. I only told immediate family. I took it easy. I did all the right things. But it happened again... on 7/9 I miscarried naturally on my best friends birthday. I went to work with cramps and knew what was happening. I went to birthday lunch with my bff and finished out my work day and went home and it came on super strong pain. I called the doctor and he told me to come in first thing the next day and they confirmed the miscarriage. We did genetic testing that day to make sure nothing was medically wrong with me especially having 2 miscarriages and no successful pregnancy. Testing showing everything was normal and that on 2/23/21 I would’ve been having a baby girl... ever since I have tried to be okay.. I’ve tried be normal. I have overcompensated at work. I’ve stayed busy. But I cry every day. I hurt so much. As a social worker in child welfare it doesn’t make it easier...... to see so many people having children only to neglect or abuse them and I couldn’t have either of my children. I feel so alone and isolated. My bf works night so I dread when he leaves because I literally am alone to face the demons.. I have dreams every night of being pregnant but never having a baby.... I’m starting to feel like it’s my reality. To my 1st baby 10 weeks and 2 days wasn’t enough... to my baby girl, Khaleesi, you were literally all I ever wanted. I’m so broken