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I miscarried today.

I miscarried today. I took 4 pills to kill my unborn child throughout the day. I said goodbye to my little one with the first pill. The doctor already told me there was no hope, since all of my hormones were decreasing with time. I cried. I started to bleed within an hour. I didn't want to go to the bathroom. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to do this. Since the phone call I had with the doctor in the morning I had been a wreak. Tears streaming down my face I couldn't stop. Even though I was at work I smiled to co workers with streaming tears. I couldn't control it. They knew something was wrong but didn't ask. I was happy they left me alone. I cried all the way to the pharmacy and got myself together when I got out of the car. But when I walked in I saw two children with their mom and more tears streamed because I thought that would be me in a few months. I try to put myself together taking little breaths but when I got to the pharmacist I asked him how long it would take to start bleeding and choked up. He told me within the first few hours and said he was sorry. I cried all the way home. Why did this happen to me? Is the doctor right? Could the lab have made a mistake? I called the doctor again before I took the first pill. I felt like I was trying to bargain with her. She told me it was a non viable pregnancy...but it felt viable to me. She told me my hormones were decreasing last week, so it couldn't have been a mistake. I wanted to believe everything would be ok but I knew deep down it wasn't. I had spotted yesterday and had cramps that made me feel like falling to the floor. I had a stabbing pain in my stomach and knew that it was time to do what I dreaded. I bleed throughout the day and cried in spurts. I didn't want to eat, I mean what was the point now? I wanted to curl up in a ball, close the curtains, and stay in the darkness. However I had to be strong for my 5 year old. I kept looking at him thinking how did this happen to me? How could this happen when I already have a healthy child? Turns out I was ignorant thinking this would never happen to me. The doctor told me the statistics and that it was a possibility. But I'm young I thought and I already had a problem free pregnancy that will not happen at all. So I told close friends and family even though I wasn't out of the danger zone. Now I had to tell them my baby died. But I didn't want to think of that now. I had a Christmas party to go to and my child was excited to go. Here I thought the baby would be my Christmas miracle and its dying inside me. Its almost time for the party and I haven't gotten ready. I haven't showered, my hair is a mess, my eyes are puffy, and I'm soaked with blood that I don't want to see. I called up to cancel. I felt bad for my child but I will just play with him at home. I did the same things I normally did, and gave a bedtime routine. My child hugged me when I read through tears thinking about the lost sister or brother that would have been. I went to bed and woke up to a large blood clot that streamed down my pant leg. It's my baby. I look at my legs streamed with blood and the pants that were ruined holding the sac. This is not how I wanted my child to come out of me. This shouldn't have happened. I stared at my baby for minutes thinking that this was all I had left of him or her, besides the tests. I had no pictures..even though I had seen them on the sonogram. My baby was in there growing and in an instant it stopped. I finally put my baby in the trash. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. What could you have been? Were you a boy or a girl? You would have liked your big brother. I was already looking at cribs. I knew where you were going to sleep and everything. I had clothes saved for you and newborn toys..you would have loved it. How I wish I could hear you laugh or cry or anything. I would have done anything for you. Your dad loves you very much. I love you very much. I wish I could hold you my little angel. I went to bed crying. I found this website and wanted to share what happened to me for maybe any mothers that want to read. I don't know how I will cope. I am grieving my baby. I miss my baby. Now tomorrow I have to wake up and go to work pretending that I'm ok. I went to work pregnant yesterday and tomorrow I go to work just my regular self. No hopes, at least not for my baby anymore. Maybe if heaven exists you will be there for me. I never believed in heaven but I want to now. Just know that I love you forever and always.

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