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I never knew I wanted you.

I never knew I wanted you. Until the lines were two. 8 tests later I was so excited for the possibility the future the next path. I suffered losses before. I had my rainbow. And then you came into the picture. I thought I had it figured out the fear of losing you was there from the beginning because of the losses prior. Morning sickness set in, the fatigue the soreness all in motion. I figured it out if I snacked tiny meals the sickness would subside. Finally I made the first appointment at this dr they would do an ultrasound first, there you were all tiny and dinosaur like the tech said nothing she just kept poking around she measured for the heart beat nothing went across the screen. Ultrasound was over she then said just because we don't see it doesn't mean it's not there baby may be too small. I held onto those words. That was my hope. Ten days later another scan this time she didn't even turn the tv on I sat there in the dark staring at the ceiling lights uncomfortable and empty knowing what was gonna happen. She finishes then tells me what she knew all along. There's no heartbeat these things happen and we don't know why. Would you like to see finally she turns the tv on and theres my lil dinosaur same as last time so still in the corner of my uterus. I crumble. I get dressed and make my way to the drs office for confirmation and I'm escorted into a room maybe my sadness is making them uncomfortable I see the pregnant women smiling holding their scans and I scream in my head why why can't that be me. I'm empty.

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