My husband and I are still in college.
My husband and I are still in college. We were trying not to get pregnant using fertility tracking methods, but we weren't super careful and I found out I was pregnant a week after conception at our local free pregnancy clinic. I'm the president of a pro-life group on campus so I wasn't scared, I knew all of the many resources available to me. But 6 weeks later I started spotting. I found out at the free clinic there was no heartbeat, and no growth since the previous ultrasound. I'd lost the baby. I named them Agnes. I had a painful 3 week miscarriage that ended in an ER visit due to excessive bleeding, and a D&C surgery. I dropped presidency of my 2 clubs temporarily, and I dropped a class, and I still am way behind but I hardly care. I just landed my first full time job in the tech industry as an engineer doing research and development at a prestigious company. I should be thrilled but all I am is sad and bitter. I don't know how to move forward. I want kids but I feel like I can't have them with the new job I just got. Not only did I lose my baby but I feel like I've lost motherhood completely. I know I can still have children in the future, but that seems far away. I miss my baby and I just want them back so badly. I've started a cycle of homework, crying, caffeine, and drinking too much at night. I'm ignoring calls, emails, and friends. I struggle to get the motivation to do the simplest tasks. I don't know how to fix myself.