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I found out I was pregnant on march 27,2022.

I found out i was pregnant on march 27,2022. As any paranoid 19 year old i always was paranoid i was pregnant and decided to take a test that day because something felt off and unlike any other test i took before it came out positive. Although i was scared i was also happy i get to meet my kid already. My first ultrasound was april 7 and i was 6 weeks. I couldn’t hear my baby’s heart beat yet but i saw it. I had to change insurances because my doctor was too expensive and then had to change doctors because they didn’t take my new insurance. so i went about 6 weeks without seeing a doctor due too new insurance and the process i had to go through to find a new doctor that took my insurance and could schedule me an appointment. Little did i know my baby died 2 weeks after my first ultrasound. I didn’t find out until i thought i was week 13 that my baby passed. I was walking around for a whole month envisioning and amazing future with my baby, whole time they were inside me floating around dead. I think that has to be one of the hardest parts for me is knowing i was speaking on a baby that was already dead, speak to a dead baby in my stomach. Well one day i didn’t feel too well n decided i should go to the woman’s hospital. I got there and the first nurse did a checkup and was trying to find my baby’s heart beat and couldn’t. Then another nurse tried and couldn’t hear it. Then a midwife came in and did a bedside ultrasound and couldn’t even see my baby, considering it was supposed to be 13 weeks big. so then i had to get an actual ultrasound done and i remember her telling me she could see my baby and i felt so relieved when she said that because i was already terrified. Then i go back to the room and the midwife tells me she has bad news and proceeds to tell me that my baby died at about 8 weeks because there is no heart beat and measured the size of an 8 week baby. My boyfriend was with me the whole time and i don’t want to exclude him because he did good at being for me while i was going through actually passing my baby which was by far the worst unimaginable pain i’ve ever felt. Not to mention actually seeing my dead baby come out of me and fall in the toilet. But not it feels like he kinda just thinks i magically healed from that trauma. sometimes he can be a little insensitive to the topic and i mean i can see how because he wasn’t the one who’s physically had to experience it so it’s not the same for us but it did kind of help us grow a little more. I feel like i can’t talk to him about how i feel for real because of that barrier of him not understanding fully. Most people around me i feel like don’t understand what i went through and honestly no one can say anything to make me feel better. Most wednesdays i count how many weeks my baby would’ve been by now. 

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