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I got pregnant with my 3rd baby

I got pregnant with my 3rd baby after 3 1/2 years of infertility on my first cycle of Letrozole and IUI. It felt like a miracle. Everything was progressing great and I finally felt like I could breathe once I made it to the second trimester and the NT scan and NIPT came back normal. At 18 weeks, I had an uneasy feeling that my bump was a little small so I called my doctor and was told not to worry. A few days later, I started having consistent cramping, nothing painful, and a tiny bit of spotting so I called my doctor again. I was told it was probably just everything stretching out at that stage and not to worry unless I was having pain or actual bleeding. I continued to have the light cramping the next morning so I went to the hospital. I had a feeling something might be wrong but was completely horrified to find out that my baby had stopped growing at 14 weeks, an entire month earlier and 2 days after a great ultrasound. I went through the holidays showing off my baby bump and planning our gender reveal all while my baby was already gone. I still feel sick thinking about it. I ended up having an emergency D&C that day. I still remember waking up crying and alone after the procedure. In recovery, the nurses weren’t able to make eye contact with me and I felt like an injured animal. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I avoided everyone I could and didn’t announce it until 2 months after so I didn’t have to feel that again. Everything didn’t really sink in until a week later when I had some of the darkest days of my life. I was dealing with the shock of having a missed miscarriage, guilt for not knowing, and scrambling for answers to what went wrong when I was supposed to be in the “safe zone”. I remember the pain of explaining to my doctor's office why I needed a new referral for a post op when I just got one for prenatal care and having to cancel my private gender ultrasound. My follow up appointment was supposed to be for my anatomy scan but instead, it was to discuss to make sure everything was cleared out along with pathology results and genetic testing. One of the worst parts about it is that everything they tell you not to worry about happening, happened. I felt completely betrayed by the lack of information and awareness surrounding miscarriage. Connecting with others going through all the same things has helped with the feeling of isolation that comes with it. We complain about walking around in maxi pads for weeks, waiting on our cycles to come back, our partners not dealing with it the same way, etc. Those little moments give me a little bit of joy. I know we’re expected to go back to “normal” at some point and behave like everything is fine but every time I have the chance, I stay alone in my safe space. I push through and survive, even if it means doing the bare minimum. This whole thing, healing mentally and physically, has felt like an eternity some days. I never know whether I’m moving forward or back. Some days I’m okay and others, I’m sad or angry. Some days, I even wake up and think I’m still pregnant. I always thought of it as a straight line to being back to yourself again but it’s far from that. It’s messy and complicated. I imagined myself being back to normal at some point but l think it sort of sticks with you and becomes part of who you are and that’s okay. I’m starting to notice as time goes on that when I think about my miscarriage, I think less about the horrible things and more about the positive things. I’m grateful that I got to carry my baby for the time that I did and I’m even more grateful that I can support others going through the same thing.

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