On New Years Eve last year

On New Years Eve last year, my family was all together celebrating at my Uncles lake house. We were having a lovely day with everyone when my cousins (and our best friends) announced that they were pregnant, and did a gender reveal smashing a golf ball into the lake that burst into blue. It was at this point where I felt incredibly jealous. My husband and I have always wanted kids, but we have been very career focused for a number of years. The next day while driving back home we had an in depth conversation where we both said how much we want kids, but we were having a hard time figuring out what that would look like as far as our jobs and day to day planning would go. It was at this point that we decided that if everyone waited until everything was right to have kids...that no one would have kids, and while we might not have all the answers now, we wanted to see what happens and if it worked out we would figure it all out as it comes. I just made him promise that we would not be "trying" for kids...I've seen that pressure eat up a lot of people and I didn't want to put any added stress on us. We decided that day I would stop taking my birth control and that was the only decision we made. In April, I was blessed enough to discover I was pregnant, without really trying. The fear of the unknown, and the stress of the logistics was a lot but I was happy. I eventually told my boss, as I travel a lot with him one on one and needed him to know why I couldn't join him for a drink or do or eat certain things we are accustomed to doing together. I was terrifyed to tell him as my carreer would be significantly impacted by this life change. I travel a ton and work crazy hours and things would obviously have to change. He was shocked and surprised but came around very quickly, planning out a "conference room day care" for our office and offering some work from home solutions and he also approached it with a "We'll figure it out" attitude. He got really excited about it and fondly called the baby "Baby Bobby" all the time. (Bob is his name). We traveled to Italy for work and in between bouts of nausea we discussed how cool it would be that next year when we came back I'd be a Mom. That the baby could travel with me while young, and maybe my husband or mother could come along and make a trip of it but watch the baby while I work. It was all hopeful and all happy and the first time in my life I didn't think of the worst case scenarios. Then at my first ultrasound appointment at around 10 weeks, I went in and spoke with the nurse, she scheduled the next couple of follow up appointments and handed me a folder with all the things to expect coming up. The Dr. came in for the ultrasound, we discussed logistics of when I would have to stop travelling internationally and domestically and a few other things then she went in for the ultrasound and reported that there was not heart beat and that the baby appearred to stop growing at 8 weeks. I had to have an abortion. I was gutted. The abortion process itself was absolutely awful. I felt physically terribly for a long time, hormonally - fucked, and emotionally destroyed. A few weeks after healing form the hurt of it all, I head to Germany for a work trip finally starting to feel like myself again. The first day I went for a run and my apple watch said my HRV had changed which is indicative and to be aware. I did some googling and one of the reasons that can happen is pregnancy...I didn't think much of it, figured it had more to do with the altitude since I was near the Alps. I allowed myself to let go, work hard, and enjoy the trip...I even had a few beers along the way and allowed myself to relax and enjoy instead of punishing myself like I had been. When I returned from Germany my brother and his family were coming to visit me at my home for a few days before heading to the lake with my whole family and to my parents in NY for my grandfathers 90th birthday. I left work a little early to clean the house up before meeting my husband to pick everyone up from the airport. I got all the stuff out to make Aperol Spritz, my sister in-laws favorite cocktail, and I'm not sure why but again, I thought...maybe I should take a pregnancy test again just so I can enjoy this cocktail with no guilt....to my shock and, honestly I feel guilty saying it but, horror it was positive. I ran around the house for 20 minutes alternating between "No. No. No. I cannot go though this again, it's too soon" and " I am so fucking happy, everything is fixed and I'm going to get my baby." I was also panicking about how to survive my family visiting (usually full of food and cocktails), a week long trip at the lake (filled with coolers full of drinks and our cocktail float), and a week in NY with more family at a huge German 90th birthday party with a lot of watchful eyes on me the whole time. I was freaking out. I met my husband in an airport parking lot, crawled in his car and handed him the test....he was elated. I think he only had hope that this was going to work out. We survived the time with family telling only my mother and my cousin best friends so we would have some allies in our court. A few weeks went on, I went off to England for a work trip which was emotionally tough because I could not bare to tell my boss again. Not only for the responsibly of the company aspect again, but I could not deal with him naming the baby again or anything like that. I was really trying to manage my own emotions, and could not deal with trying to manage his as well. This presented some difficulty in denying drinks and eating certain foods but I got through it. I landed and had my first ultrasound appointment of this pregnancy... I was terrified. The nurse tried to schedule all my follow up appointments and hand me that dreaded fucking folder again and I refused until after the appointment. The Dr. came in performed the ultrasound and told us again, there was no heart beat. She said the baby only looked to be 6 weeks along, so either it had stopped growing, or the timeline was off and it wasn't grown enough to see a heart beat yet. We decided to wait two weeks and try the ultrasound again. She said she was genuinely 50/50 on the outcome and try to rest and not stress. My husbands family came into town the weekend before my monday appointment. I was relieved to have some distraction. While they were staying at our house I started bleeding and knew where this was headed again.... That Monday we went to the appointment and I needed to start the abortion procedure again... I needed to cancel my work trip and tell my boss that it was for a medical reason without divulging too much information and had to survive yet again another awful abortion. My hormones were all over the place from the back to back pregnancy, miscarriage, postpartum, pregnancy, miscarriage, postpartum, and I was falling apart. I started therapy which helped a bit but I'm still not doing okay months later. My Dr. said they usually wait until 3 miscarriages to pursue any testing, but if I insisted they could do some testing before trying again...I insisted. I did a slew of blood tests which all came back normal and had to wait to schedule a sonohysterogram just to rule out anything crazy. I went into my radiology appointment frustrated that I had to wait so long, but ready to try again. I've been nervous about trying a third time without anything being notably wrong but I built up my courage and had a plan and was ready to try again. Just needed to finish this test to get the green light. Well, to my surprise I had a fibroid which made the test EXCRUITATINGLY painful. The radiologist (who isn't supposed to tell you anything about the results) told me about the fibroid because he needed to explain to me why that was so excruciatingly painful. He then said " I'm not sure what your Dr was looking for, but I'm pretty sure I found out and I got great images." I spent the weekend googling fibroids and infertility and all my quick searches indicated that was the cause. While I was thrown, because I envisioned trying during this ovulation cycle and my plans seemed to be pushed back, I was a bit relieved to have an answer. I then received a message from my Dr. on Sunday night that she reviewed the results and we needed to have a virtual appointment Thursday to discuss surgery to remove the fibroid. I wrote her back trying to see if I could get an earlier appointment as I was very anxious and didn't want to wait 5 days. She responded that she had no openings but "not to lose any sleep over it, I can't know for sure, but I don't think this is the cause of the miscarriages." So that's where I'm at right now...I feel like I have whiplash from all the directions my brain has gone over this. I don't understand why I need the surgery if it's not going to fix the infertility issue as I have no other symptoms. I was scared but relieved to have a reason that all of this keeps happening.....I'm very frustrated and feeling very lost in all of this.